[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
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No regrets in 2018
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭