[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
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One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
What the hell happened in there??
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.