Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
You Might Also Like
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Simple enough.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
(Gaming support cat.)
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo