Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

2023 was just a warmup

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people

Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work