Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.

…żyje?

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look