Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky