Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
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choose your gary
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Life hack
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you