texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
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Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
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If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Not all heroes wear capes…
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God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that