texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
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I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife