Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

I love it

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

A tragic love story in two pictures.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

Just parrot things

who called it hell and not heaven’t

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.