Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
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“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.