Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.