Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

Good morning.

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.