Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

Sounds like a real hoot.

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.

It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

Care for your back