Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

A roof is a house hat.

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

We’ve come full circle

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to