[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
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You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!