[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
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T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it