Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me