(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
