(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa, she said ‘Let’s take this upstairs.’
I replied, ‘OK, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.’
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
