Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

A room full of people:   ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

(Jupiter –

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards