Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors