[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
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There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”