Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.