Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout

Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in

Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

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I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it