[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
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Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I am also baked goods
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Bike is short for Bichael.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
consequences, the bane of my existence
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.