Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

Text: can I talk to you about something?

Me: throws phone in ocean

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

me: can you calm down

The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?