{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number
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My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed