Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.