Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.