[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
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Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
i hate you platonically
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”