Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
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Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.