Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!

Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”

Me at 7:30:

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”