texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
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all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.