texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
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Happy Halloween 🎃
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Now colored!
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.