[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
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Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
If you had more money you’d be happier.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here
3 yr old: no
Me: you just want bare feet?
3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.