Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.