[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
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Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
😅🤣😂
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.