[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
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Best spot.. 😅
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Just did a big green poo by a canal
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
It was worth a shot 😂
