texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
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Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Still cracks me up
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know