texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
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I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.