Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.