Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
[texting my girlfriend]
“Just finished my homework”
Cool, Send a pic (; ?
*gf sends a nude*
Ewww wtf!! i meant of your homework!
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When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I don’t punish the dog for eating my unattended food because I do the same thing to other people
This restraining order says I have to stay 100 yards away, but this telescope makes it feel like I’m right in your bedroom with you.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I’m wearing a burqa, fencing mask, & a welding helmet while reading a book on cannibalism & an old lady on the bus still wants to chat.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs