@phaggots

[texting my girlfriend]

wyd?

“Just finished my homework”

Cool, Send a pic (; ?

*gf sends a nude*

Ewww wtf!! i meant of your homework!

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@TheDailyEdge

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

@StellaRtwot

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

@jake_lach

I don’t punish the dog for eating my unattended food because I do the same thing to other people

@Blueorsomething

This restraining order says I have to stay 100 yards away, but this telescope makes it feel like I’m right in your bedroom with you.

@chrisanna4real

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

@WheelTod

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

@Squirreljustice

I’m wearing a burqa, fencing mask, & a welding helmet while reading a book on cannibalism & an old lady on the bus still wants to chat.

@JohnLyonTweets

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.