We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
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if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Time heals everything 🙂
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”