[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
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You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what