Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

this is so top tier i cant

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.