Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
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They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
this made my day 😂
Never go to sleep after making me angry
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken