Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
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Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]