Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
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The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Bruh PLEASE
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.