Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
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I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.