Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
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* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I never needed anything more in my life
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.