Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

i was baptized in a car wash

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?