Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

Cndnsd Mlk

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

Risking my life for fun.

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.