[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
You Might Also Like
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
This seems like peak sibling energy
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I want this so bad
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.