Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You saw nothing. I am ham.

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

If they made Dracula swallow a grenade would that kill him or is it still just a hard “only wooden stakes/the sun” rule

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.