Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

bad
worse
worst
worchester

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.