[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
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No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]