Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

Who says great literature is dead?

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.