Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

spicy snake

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.