Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
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Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
