Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
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Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
rip to my favourite tweet
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money