Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.