Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

You fuckers don’t deserve a new year, look at the mess you made of the last one.

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok