Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

Cake!!

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?