texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
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A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I’m literally crying
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”