texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
You Might Also Like
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
hackers play passwordle
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.