texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
You Might Also Like
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.