Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

I’d love this…lol

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”