Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.

It’s science.

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

Received some very disappointing news today

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.