[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
You Might Also Like
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.