Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

Carpenter Ants: Very industrious

Army Ants: Extra militant

Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

[Pet store]

Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”

Me: “You can’t prove that.”

*My purse starts barking*

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.