Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

Bringing home a sharpie

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*

webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.