Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How fast is milk?

It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

Black Friday “markdowns” like

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.